Süsimust

 mu peas on miljon vastust

kui vaid teaksin küsimust

ehk siis süsimusta taeva taustal

tähed

ei meenutaks vaid tühisust

olen igikestvas hetkes lukus

aeg peab mind nukuks

ja kui ma upuks

radarite perifreerias

vaevalt miskit kustuks

usk on luksus peita endas põrgut

teha pattu sest

et kardad taeva kõrgust

mõelda vaid

kui õhtu lõpuks

oleme kõik samas paigas lõksus

oleme kogunenud siia / we have gathered here

ei ole saladus
kõik mõtlevad,
et mis saab eilsest
mängin tunnetega
peitust
aga ma ei ütle teile

kes on kohale jõudnud
jälle kord minema peab
siis kui tuled on kustund
uksest ta end välja seab

me oleme kogunenud siia
et tunda piina
kustumas!

me oleme kogunenud siia
et tunda ennast liiga hästi
ja siis kustuda!

ta pole mulle öelnud ei
mitte ühelgi korral
ma ei usu temasse
aga Jumal on olemas

ma olen mõistatus
mille tema välja mõtles

me oleme kogunenud siia
et tunda piina
kustumas!


it's not a secret
everybody wonders
what happens with yesterday
I play hide and seek
with feelings
but I not telling you

those who have arrived
soon will go once more
when the lights are out
they reach for the door

we have gathered here
to feel the suffering
fade!

we have gathered here
to feel ourselves too well
and fade!

she has not told me no
no, not once, no
I do not believe in her
but there is a God

I am a riddle
she created

we have gathered here
to feel the suffering
fade!

kalana

mõistus on kohal enne
kui jalad
tunnen ennast kuivale jõudnud
kalana
kõik, mis mul on olnud
seda enam pole
tänan universumi
et ikka pole
päris kole tema pale
tunnen ennast paljastunud
valena

kõik
jah kõik
mis on veel ees
müsteerium mida lahendada
ma ei loodagi
suurim kink, kui praeguses elus
enam sitta ei toodaks

mõistus oli kohal
enne kui mõistus oli olemas
sünd ja surm samas külas
igaüks ei pea rändur olema
siinsamas kõik
mis oli on ja kaob

Not Alone

The masses of fog meandered between the spruce trees rising at the foot of the hill as X stepped sleepily on the balcony.

"Already awake?"

Only now, as Su made a sound, did X notice that his brother was about to finish his first cigarette of the morning while squatting in the corner of the balcony.

"I had a very strange dream."

Su extinguished the cigarette, took a pack from the belly pocket of the sweater and lit a new one. He was ready to listen but said nothing. He just waited until X stretched all his limbs, and then, leaning on the edge of the balcony, watched the fog.

Hail of a seagull filled the silence for a moment as it slid across the gardens, cutting through the mist with wings somewhere above the field of view. And then another hail.

"I remember I was home, right here," the boy said, still gazing the fog whales, "everything was the same, you weren't home, but everything was almost as it is now, but it wasn't."

"What was different?"

"I believed in God."

Su snorted.

The third hail of the seagull mocked the boy's dream.

"I know it's funny, that's why I said it was a weird dream."

Su got up and leaned on the balcony edge next to his brother.

There was no sound in the fog.

ISWATAM

I smoke weed at a top of a mountain,
in a giant eye.
I know the backdoor to heaven,
but the key is nowhere to be found.

The man on the picture seems broken
right from the start.
Why form a clay figure
out of a star?

You can only go up,
it's never there.
You know you exist,
but once you did not.

Muidusööja!

Kõik, mis Sul on

on Sulle antud!

Sa pole ühtki vannet vandund.

Kogu elu on Sind kätel kantud.

Pole eales pead Sa pakul pannud.

Muidusööja!

Aja surnuks lööja!

Ei sinu pahet murra ausa tööga.

Ja Su silmis on üks-

kõiksus.

Oled nagu maa ja taeva vahel kõikuv

pendel, mis jõuab pärale ilma,

et alustaks sõitu.

Muidusööja!

Aja surnuks lööja!

Ei Sinu pahet ravi ausa tööga.

Grill-liha ja sulavõi.

Kõik kingid, mis kinkijad tõid.

Maailm, mille Looja lõi.

Kõik kahvatub, kui kahas on õis.

Muidusööja!

Aja surnuks lööja!

Ei Sinu pahet võida ausa tööga.

Oceans of tar Rest in my heart I see the void's Resentment in joy From all of your lives Striking like knives Your sorrows are vile Ache in my mind Oceans of tar Bleed through my heart So comforting void And simple my joy

darkness inside me no will to bend it to idle waiting for my fall from purpose honor resolve strength
all just idea of an idea to cling to hold on to it's not a coast to reach it's a wreck to go down with

kuskil kusagilt kuskile suunduv
ja lõputult lõpmatusse suubuv mõte
sellega seoses kõigega kahtlusega võidelda
milleks saada kellekski ja olla kellegi tõde

olla impulss sunnitud kursile
või hajuda koos unuvate unedega
olla sootuks loosung
kostuda kõlades kõrgetes kodades

või vaikida kellegi alateadvuse
ammu külastamata soppides
õppida jälgides
peituda otsijate eest südamekloppides

olla vaba olema olemata
või raiduda end kivisse
igavesti muutumatuks

length of your language
can't reach to the bottom
of what happened to you

you know there's a reason
that you should follow
but you just want to fall through

and all of your dreams
are an impossible future
and something to pass by today

so you stand by the rainbow
but don't see the colors
that's how it feels to be losing the game

kui su mõistus on lennuk,
millest maha jäid
ja osa sinust
on sinust pöördunud
kui pole küllalt kuum,
et süttiks
seisa nii nagu sind
oleks kolm tükki
nagu sina oled see,
kes end olematuks sööb
et on sinu käsi see,
mis hoiab ööd

Eilsest algas uus elu ilma vaimse vägivallata, ilma manipulatsioonideta.

vt. kaks eelmist postitust.

Nartsissistliku ema karakteristikud

NB! Allpool on link originaalartiklile, mis on pikem kui siin toodu.

Characteristics of Narcissistic Mothers

1. Everything she does is deniable. There is always a facile excuse or an explanation. Cruelties are couched in loving terms. Aggressive and hostile acts are paraded as thoughtfulness. Selfish manipulations are presented as gifts. Criticism and slander is slyly disguised as concern. She only wants what is best for you. She only wants to help you. 

She rarely says right out that she thinks you're inadequate. Instead, any time that you tell her you've done something good, she counters with something your sibling did that was better or she simply ignores you or she hears you out without saying anything, then in a short time does something cruel to you so you understand not to get above yourself. She will carefully separate cause (your joy in your accomplishment) from effect (refusing to let you borrow the car to go to the awards ceremony) by enough time that someone who didn't live through her abuse would never believe the connection. 

Many of her putdowns are simply by comparison. She'll talk about how wonderful someone else is or what a wonderful job they did on something you've also done or how highly she thinks of them. The contrast is left up to you. She has let you know that you're no good without saying a word. She'll spoil your pleasure in something by simply congratulating you for it in an angry, envious voice that conveys how unhappy she is, again, completely deniably. It is impossible to confront someone over their tone of voice, their demeanor or the way they look at you, but once your narcissistic mother has you trained, she can promise terrible punishment without a word. As a result, you're always afraid, always in the wrong, and can never exactly put your finger on why. 

Because her abusiveness is part of a lifelong campaign of control and because she is careful to rationalize her abuse, it is extremely difficult to explain to other people what is so bad about her. She's also careful about when and how she engages in her abuses. She's very secretive, a characteristic of almost all abusers ("Don't wash our dirty laundry in public!") and will punish you for telling anyone else what she's done. The times and locations of her worst abuses are carefully chosen so that no one who might intervene will hear or see her bad behavior, and she will seem like a completely different person in public. She'll slam you to other people, but will always embed her devaluing nuggets of snide gossip in protestations of concern, love and understanding ("I feel so sorry for poor Cynthia. She always seems to have such a hard time, but I just don't know what I can do for her!") As a consequence the children of narcissists universally report that no one believes them ("I have to tell you that she always talks about YOU in the most caring way!). Unfortunately therapists, given the deniable actions of the narcissist and eager to defend a fellow parent, will often jump to the narcissist's defense as well, reinforcing your sense of isolation and helplessness ("I'm sure she didn't mean it like that!") 


2. She violates your boundaries. You feel like an extension of her. Your property is given away without your consent, sometimes in front of you. Your food is eaten off your plate or given to others off your plate. Your property may be repossessed and no reason given other than that it was never yours. Your time is committed without consulting you, and opinions purported to be yours are expressed for you. (She LOVES going to the fair! He would never want anything like that. She wouldn't like kumquats.) You are discussed in your presence as though you are not there. She keeps tabs on your bodily functions and humiliates you by divulging the information she gleans, especially when it can be used to demonstrate her devotion and highlight her martyrdom to your needs ("Mike had that problem with frequent urination too, only his was much worse. I was so worried about him!") You have never known what it is like to have privacy in the bathroom or in your bedroom, and she goes through your things regularly. She asks nosy questions, snoops into your email/letters/diary/conversations. She will want to dig into your feelings, particularly painful ones and is always looking for negative information on you which can be used against you. She does things against your expressed wishes frequently. All of this is done without seeming embarrassment or thought. 

Any attempt at autonomy on your part is strongly resisted. Normal rites of passage (learning to shave, wearing makeup, dating) are grudgingly allowed only if you insist, and you're punished for your insistence ("Since you're old enough to date, I think you're old enough to pay for your own clothes!") If you demand age-appropriate clothing, grooming, control over your own life, or rights, you are difficult and she ridicules your "independence." 


3. She favoritizes. Narcissistic mothers commonly choose one (sometimes more) child to be the golden child and one (sometimes more) to be the scapegoat. The narcissist identifies with the golden child and provides privileges to him or her as long as the golden child does just as she wants. The golden child has to be cared for assiduously by everyone in the family. The scapegoat has no needs and instead gets to do the caring. The golden child can do nothing wrong. The scapegoat is always at fault. This creates divisions between the children, one of whom has a large investment in the mother being wise and wonderful, and the other(s) who hate her. That division will be fostered by the narcissist with lies and with blatantly unfair and favoritizing behavior. The golden child will defend the mother and indirectly perpetuate the abuse by finding reasons to blame the scapegoat for the mother's actions. The golden child may also directly take on the narcissistic mother's tasks by physically abusing the scapegoat so the narcissistic mother doesn't have to do that herself. 


4. She undermines. Your accomplishments are acknowledged only to the extent that she can take credit for them. Any success or accomplishment for which she cannot take credit is ignored or diminished. Any time you are to be center stage and there is no opportunity for her to be the center of attention, she will try to prevent the occasion altogether, or she doesn't come, or she leaves early, or she acts like it's no big deal, or she steals the spotlight or she slips in little wounding comments about how much better someone else did or how what you did wasn't as much as you could have done or as you think it is. She undermines you by picking fights with you or being especially unpleasant just before you have to make a major effort. She acts put out if she has to do anything to support your opportunities or will outright refuse to do even small things in support of you. She will be nasty to you about things that are peripherally connected with your successes so that you find your joy in what you've done is tarnished, without her ever saying anything directly about it. No matter what your success, she has to take you down a peg about it. 


5. She demeans, criticizes and denigrates. She lets you know in all sorts of little ways that she thinks less of you than she does of your siblings or of other people in general. If you complain about mistreatment by someone else, she will take that person's side even if she doesn't know them at all. She doesn't care about those people or the justice of your complaints. She just wants to let you know that you're never right. 

She will deliver generalized barbs that are almost impossible to rebut (always in a loving, caring tone): "You were always difficult" "You can be very difficult to love" "You never seemed to be able to finish anything" "You were very hard to live with" "You're always causing trouble" "No one could put up with the things you do." She will deliver slams in a sidelong way - for example she'll complain about how "no one" loves her, does anything for her, or cares about her, or she'll complain that "everyone" is so selfish, when you're the only person in the room. As always, this combines criticism with deniability. 

She will slip little comments into conversation that she really enjoyed something she did with someone else - something she did with you too, but didn't like as much. She'll let you know that her relationship with some other person you both know is wonderful in a way your relationship with her isn't - the carefully unspoken message being that you don't matter much to her. 

She minimizes, discounts or ignores your opinions and experiences. Your insights are met with condescension, denials and accusations ("I think you read too much!") and she will brush off your information even on subjects on which you are an acknowledged expert. Whatever you say is met with smirks and amused sounding or exaggerated exclamations ("Uh hunh!" "You don't say!" "Really!"). She'll then make it clear that she didn't listen to a word you said. 


LINK: http://parrishmiller.com/narcissists.html